Wildflower Meditations: October 2008

True, I haven't posted in a while. It's just been one of those . . . well, you know. So what have I been up to over the past few months?

got the car fixed (it was the alternator)
helped throw a (wildly popular) baby shower
visited with friends from out of town
visited the First Friday art gallery openings in old towne with a friend
went to the MD Renaissance Festival: burly men in kilts throwing things
heard Emily and Megan Jean and Byrne Klay at The Griffin
attended another awesome house concert
visited a local horse rescue farm
went sailing for the first time (c'est bon): raising the mainsail, furling the jib, swimming with jellyfish, and hanging with the zephyrs on the starboard bow
breathed the same air as Mason Jennings at the 9:30 Club in DC
free-lance landscaping and (house) painting; fresh air, good company, iPod, communing with butterflies and puppies, and motivation for my own home and yard projects
am working weekends at Belvedere again for the Fall festivities and watching some of the most heavenly sunsets I've seen in a long time
signed up with a temp agency
actually getting into the presidential race play-by-play and applauding as political pundits punt Palin (thank you Governor, for such great comic relief at this time in my life)
being unable to resist wearing my Mason t-shirt again every time I wash it
crashed (in more ways than one) at my friends' house two weekends when I was flying solo
held a newborn baby
watched the entire first season of "Ugly Betty"
was measured up for a custom hand-knit sweater
continued with counseling and started on an anti-depressant
finished up the end of the CSA season as a volunteer/member
church, board meetings, small group meetings, veg group meetings, meditation, and assisting RE
setting a date with hubby at the local dinner theater
planning a trip to my alma mater
planning a trip to SC to be with my sister when she has her baby

All this sounds really good, here in a list. But this stuff is all a distraction. Healthy distractions, most likely, but nonetheless. It's not what's really going on--the underlying current that I finally dragged out of the ether and am now staring down. And I can't write here about it--about What's Really Going On. I can't email about it to friends. I haven't even been able to write about it to myself. It feels too permanent to put into words on paper (if you already know, please don't mention it specifically here).

I talk about it; I have no problem dumping on my friends when I need to, and I have needed to. And each time, it feels so raw that it shakes me up again, and the strength of it surprises even me. And so far, talking hasn't helped me figure it out. And though I do have a lot going on, I am slightly surprised to be learning that this is the main issue concerning me, that this is What's Really Going On. I haven't been able to see that clearly, but others have been able to sift through my various concerns and identify that. Even a tarot card reader stopped me after a few minutes of discussing a career-oriented question and asked me about What's Really Going On. So I am beginning to grapple with it. The anger, the fear, and most of all, the grief and sadness which are inherent in the potential implications. And with this and everything else, I am attempting to ". . . be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life" (~Buddha).

And I am getting a message, loud and clear: "be gentle on yourself." The universe is reminding me of this through my friends, through song, through nature, through my reading, through random internet segways, and even my own inner voice. I am dealing with more issues, on an emotional level, than perhaps ever before. I am being told that am 'strengthening' my emotional muscles. I am being told that I am courageous; that I am taking good and brave steps. And since I so often focus on what I'm not doing, and on the fear and indecision that overwhelms me at times, it's nice to hear this from more 'grown-up' grown-ups, who have faced difficult times in their own lives.

Supposedly the Universe doesn't give us more than we can handle and that everything happens for a reason. And I usually believe that, but it's hard to see and doesn't always make sense within the context life. Part of 'handling' all of this, I think, is learning to ask for help from others and from the Divine when our own resources have run out. And if you believe, as I do, that we are all truly One, with each other and with God/the Universe, then reaching out and reaching up are other forms of reaching within oneself. After all, sometimes you can't make it on your own.

I hope that soon I'll better understand what I'm feeling and what that means for me. For now, I'm just here with it.

"Fix You" by Cold Play
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you