Gray

This week I’ve been pondering the way my feelings seem so permanent. When I’m happy, and rapturing in the goodness of this Universe, it feels as if I could never feel otherwise. When I am down, wondering what I’m ‘doing wrong' to not be in that bliss…those times also feel as if they are my entire existence. And no matter which of these two states of emotion I am in, I can barely remember what the other one feels like.

At times I feel so in the flow, so one with the Universe, and excited for no other reason than life is beautiful. I feel inside an expectation of more to be revealed. I skip; I laugh; I open my arms wide to embrace the All. I can’t explain my happiness—it just bubbles out of me.

Then there are days like today. It’s been gray all day outside, and my heart feels like that sky—gray and cheerless. Lonely. I know I could easily reach out and be with friends, as I am blessed with so many who love me. But there are times I’d rather be alone than lonely in a crowd. I could be in someone’s arms, and as nice as that is, there’s truly only one man I want right now. I wish I knew his name. Who knows, maybe I do.

Feelings aren’t permanent, but they can reveal something about ourselves when we listen. Joy is real in my life even when I don’t feel it, even when it’s not showing up in the same form I’m longing for it to. My heart isn’t really lonely; that’s just a temporary state of the interior weather. Time will inevitably bring the sun back.

It finally started snowing outside. Large white flakes dancing on the air and swirling in front of my window. I pulled the curtains back to see it better.
Beauty in the gray.

Be Here Now - Ray LaMontagne


Don't let your mind get weary and confused
your will be still; don't try.
Don't let your heart get heavy, child;
inside you there's a strength that lies.

Don't let your soul get lonely, child
it's only time; it will go by.
Don't look for love in faces, places—it's in you;
that's where you'll find...kindness.

Be...be here now... be here now.
Be...be here now...be here now.

Don't lose your faith in me,
and I will try not to lose faith in you.
Don't put your trust in walls,
'cause walls will only crush you when they fall.

Be...be here now... be here now.
Be...be here now...be here now.