Light

Sometimes I lay under the moon
And thank God I'm breathin'
Then I pray 'don't take me soon'
'Cause I am here for a reason

Somtimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around...
~Matisyahu, "One Day"

I don't always understand the lessons Life has for me. Shouldn't it all be so much easier? Even as I say that, I have to acknowledge that life is easy, when I approach it with an open heart. That doesn't mean I won't have challenges, or disappointments, and heartbreaks. But there is always help, and grace, and Love, both inside and from outside. I don't need money for everything I want in order to enjoy life. I don't even need all the people I love to respond to me the way I wish...All that would perhaps make life easier, but, I dare speculate that my life would be wildly different, and perhaps not as rich if things always went the way I think they should.

I had the pleasure of hearing Big Wide Grin this weekend, and they sang one song about how our flaws and cracks make our lives richer. The metaphor was about clay pots, which in ancient times, would be mended with gold when they cracked. Over time, the pot would become pretty much pure gold from all the mending of all those cracks. Life continues to mend my cracks with the precious metals of friendship, strength, and Love.

This year I got a Christmas tree, a real one, for the first time in over a decade. Artificial cannot come close to comparing with this blue spruce beauty, who holds a presence of her own in my home, one of immense peace, connectedness, and love. Her name is Lucy Donna, Lady of Light. And with the light strings, angel, and ornaments holding decades of memories for me, she really does shine. And so do we all, in our own way. What ornaments do we display for the world? What light do we shine forth?

Another song at Sunday's concert that really got to me was "Ready to Fly." I had to leave the room, and sit on the porch steps for a while with my glass of wine, a box of tissues, and a friend's shoulder to cry on. Last week, my first college roommate left this earth after a very long battle with brain cancer. It seems so unfair that she had to struggle with her health for so long, and yet she savored every moment that was hers. Tonight, I will attend the memorial service for another amazing lady who lived an incredible life into her mid-90s, shining her light for generations to follow. And I want to just celebrate the joy of knowing these beautiful women. My tears sometimes seem more for the families left behind, and sometimes they seem more for me. Why do I feel I have lost something when really I gained so much by having them in my life, even for such a brief period of time? I can't explain that to myself, but I know I have been blessed by their light.

This Christmas season, this Yule, this time of celebrating the return of the light, has been particularly poignant for me. Every tradition has delighted me, as if I am a child again. I am reminded of the richness that these traditions can add to our lives; the sights, the sounds, the smells...the sharing.

My heart is full and overflowing. Step close and let's runneth over together.

A Fragment of Life's Heart

Once again time has slipped away among the doings of life, and yet I am called back here to make another record of its lessons. I am full of so much to write about, yet just as each fruit has its harvest season, so will each thought come to rest on this page in its turn.

Tonight's topic is Love.

As someone in the midst of single dating life, I find myself in an interesting place. My heart was made to love deeply, and at times it feels like I'm waiting . . . waiting for the time when I will love deeply again. Yet I am also in a unique position to catch a glimpse of loving--madly, deeply--many different men. I am in a place where I can freely admire, and am very aware of, the various charms of men all around me. I have the chance to spend time with men of different ages, backgrounds, educations, philosophies, and personalities. While certainly most of these encounters will not result in romance, there is yet so much to admire. There is so much divinity in all of us, and any time we spend with another, as a friend or otherwise, is a gift; an opportunity to glimpse and share that divinity. In the dating life we approach each other with a different set of hopes and usually a higher level of vulnerability. That is truly a sacred trust.

Not all my experiences will make any list of the best dates of all time, and I could certainly get some mileage out of some of my stories. I know there will be more times that I unload to a friend (or several of them) when things don't go as hoped. Dating can sometimes feel like one failure after another until you strike gold. I'm trying my best to approach it as that unique chance to get to know others, and not to put so much pressure on myself or the other person. I'm trying to remember to make a note of what I like in each man I date, even if I decline a second date. For what we dwell on is what we will attract into our lives.

The Universe sent me this note yesterday:

Never regret love. No matter how blind, it improved your world view. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made you more.
Hubba, hubba,
The Universe
And while we're at it, never regret the second scoop - that one's always mine.

How true. How blessedly true. Thank you, Universe, for allowing me the chance to make myself greater through loving; for becoming a fragment of Life's heart. Thank you for the chance to meet these truly beautiful men.




On Love...
Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart,"
but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

So much beauty

Listen to the sound and lose it
Its sweet music and dance with me
There is beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Always beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Shake your booty boys and girls for the beauty in the world
Pick your diamond pick your pearl there is beauty in the world



There really is...

Courage

cour·age [kur-ij, kuhr-]
–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.
—Idiom
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

Origin:
1250–1300; Middle English corage; Old French, equivalent to cuer, heart (> Latin cor) + -age

—Synonyms
1. fearlessness, dauntlessness, intrepidity, pluck, spirit. Courage, bravery, valor, bravado refer to qualities of spirit and conduct.

Today I congratulated some young people on being presented with an award. I met three of them once, and I made the comment to them today that I hoped someday I'd have the courage in doing my life's work as they have shown in doing theirs. Sometimes when I see young (younger) people doing so much, it feels as if I've missed out on my own life. After all, shouldn't we all be doing wonderful, brave things as they are? Shouldn't I have been knee or waist-deep in my passion 10 years ago, instead of toe-deep now, entering the middle phase of my life?

Yet I know, comparing myself to others is a "sin" against myself and the work my Spirit is doing inside. I can actually hear my therapist admonishing me for doing this and reminding me of all the ways I have shown courage in my life. The courage to leave my marriage and life of a decade and dare to seek my heart's desires. The courage to leave a high salary in search for more meaningful work, health, and happiness. The courage to shed a toxic dogma in order to continue in my faith journey. The courage to love again and be vulnerable. The courage to ask for what I need and want in a relationship, and not compromise. The courage to learn to stand up for myself in uncomfortable situations. The courage to look inside myself and learn new ways of being, to heal long neglected parts of myself, to change. The courage, sometimes, simply to take care of myself. The courage to dream, dream of my life's work, and look at ways, small steps to further that dream.

Certainly the past few years have been some of the most challenging of my life, and yet, each difficulty faced has led me to decisions that called upon my inner courage. And when I finally was able to summon up that courage, each path has enriched my being, created anew a more authentic Me, and brought more happiness to my life with the promise of more to come.

I love how the word "courage" has "heart" literally at its entymological root. And that 2nd obselete definition makes me smile: "the heart as the seat of emotion." That seems about right to me. Courage comes from the heart, and not our head. And often it takes a lot of courage to act out of what we feel in the heart. I am finding that perhaps the hardest, most courageous thing of all, is simply examining our deepest emotions to learn the truth of what is there. Whether we like what we see or not, it can be life-changing, and that is a scary thing.

I have been on this heart journey for a long time. And I will continue on it. Continue, even in a more conscious and intentional way, examining my emotions to better know and heal myself. And as for my dreams, well, I have faith that my courage, my heart, will take me through the next door. Big things are ahead!

Pain as a teacher

Last night, I had a bout of heartburn, and even after taking medicine, I was in pain for over an hour. I finally went to bed, propped up by many pillows, intending to go to sleep as I knew eventually I would despite the pain, and later wake up without it.

I recollected how I had a flare-up of heartburn episodes last year not long after I moved out of my old house. At that time I had felt moved to focus on my solar plexus chakra and what it symbolized: personal power and individuality. I thought perhaps that I need to pay attention to that again with this heartburn. After all, heartburn pain is literally right at the solar plexus, a tight ball of burning pain in the center of self. And last night I thought, then instinctively said out loud, “Pain, you need to get out of my body and into my mind so that I can know what I need to deal with.” The physical pain in my lower esophagus immediately went away. I was very grateful but did not have an immediate epiphany or thought of anything at that time. It was this afternoon, talking with a friend, that I realized that the pain had done exactly what I asked: gone into my head to show me where I need to work.

Today is the start of my three-day weekend. I love that I get three work holidays within the space of a month: the Christmas, New Year’s, and Martin Luther King Jr. holidays, and this year it translated into three 3-day weekends. However, I have been a bit nervous that I would ‘waste’ my time off like so often I feel I do. I need to rest, so I rest, and then I feel guilty about it later. I have a long list of things to do that compete for my attention, and feeling overwhelmed, I procrastinate and feel guilty about that too. I’ll get some of it done, and say to myself “but I didn’t get that done.” It’s a damned “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” mentality. So that is how my weekend started: first with a girl’s night—which was great but perhaps in the back of my mind I was feeling guilty about not getting something on my list done, an episode of heartburn, and this morning the overwhelmed-ness and not knowing where to throw my energy first.

And, I realized, these feelings of guilt have been with me a very long time. They stem from low self-worth issues which I have long worked on. Somewhere along the line I made an agreement that my worth is tied up with what I do or don’t do and that has been reinforced in my life. And I have reinforced it with my inner conversations. It is time to change my thinking. I have dreams, yes, and I need to work towards them, yes, but whether or not I accomplish any part of them does not make me any less wonderful. “Give yourself a break,” is something I have repeatedly heard over the past few years from my friends, my therapist, and my own inner guidance. And why have I been hearing that, over and over for a few years? Evidently I still don’t believe that I deserve a break. I am still too hard on myself. I am still seeking that balance between doing and being; that place of enjoying each moment, every moment. Without the guilt, thank you very much.

So thank you, pain, for revealing where I am out of sync with Truth.