This is where I am

I'm out of state, to help my sister, who, within the week, will have a newborn son. With my emotional, financial, and physical energy reserves much lower than I would like, I'm certainly not helping as much as I feel I should. I think about that, then I decide not to feel guilty. This is where I am. Plus, the main reason for me to be here is to be with her in the hospital during the birth, and I absolutely know that I will accomplish that. And, I'm having fun hanging out with my teenage niece and helping her with homework--hey, something I'm good at!

I struggle with what to write here at times, because the depression and the heavy handful of life issues I'm dealing with overshadow so much. No one else wants to hear about this again, I think. But you know what? This is where I'm at, daggone* it. And, this is my dadblum* blog. (*Substitute profane language.) I need to talk about this, for myself. So those that seem to be avoiding me (could be my own paranoia) because it's all I have to talk about can just get over* themselves.

But there always seems to be the right people there at the right time. Have you noticed that? None of us can be everything to everyone, so we can only do what we can when we can. (In other words, I need to remember that those people are dealing with their own crap* too.) On this trip, I've been able to catch up with a few close friends, and update them with where I'm at. My friend/manager from my last job in NC, now the owner of the same store, took me out to the Macaroni Grill last week and I was able to discuss all of this with him in length. Another friend from my old church, a very wise and compassionate lady, was able to empathize from her own experience. In both cases I felt buoyed up by their love and understanding. It's like having two more lifelines, rather than putting the stress on just a few. I love all of my lifelines--your compassion is phenomenal.

I feel like I'm starting to open myself up, too. Open up my heart so people can really know me. I've become adept at hiding my cards until I'm sure there's a good chance that someone will reciprocate. Exploring my personality issues, and also being 'out there' with my opinions on things, even when it's controversial, is helping me to open my heart. After all, life is too short to hold back. My 'natural' reserve may simply be a defense mechanism I picked up early in life. While I may have needed it then for my own survival, I need to shed it now in order for my authentic self to survive. I have a heart so full of love and passion that it's blinding. If I continue to hold that in, I will smother the fire.

Recently, I followed a sentimental urge to email a very old friend. We're still peripherally in touch but don't keep in close contact these days. I laid it all out on the line, and was quite on edge waiting for a reply. But it was out there; I did what I had to do. Once I let go of it, out of the blue I got a reply. And it will be a letter I will treasure forever. Following my sentimental urge helped speed healing in two hearts. Meanwhile, I found out that there's a good likelihood that another person in my past is lurking on my blog . They certainly have access to as they are now friends with someone very close to me on one of those social networking sites. After learning about this, months after the fact, I stressed over what to 'do' for about a week, and finally I let go and did the only thing I can do given the situation. I opened myself up and made my page public so they can lurk all they want. After all, I have never wanted to erase their memory, and this may be the only way to invite them back into my life.

When all else fails, and there's no one around, there's nothing better than music to soothe the soul. I love that wherever I go, where I have online access I can play my playlist.com music selections. (I also stole hubby's iPod for this trip too, which is great where there's no free WiFi in the area to suckle off of.) An hour of Mason, an hour of U2, followed by a mishmash of my other favorite musicians. I can zone out, relax, even nap and still wake up to the wildly sweet sedative medley of my heart.