Trilogy: 1. The Pain

[These are three writings from my senior year in high school. They are still so relevant in my life today, and I thought my readers would like to see them also.]



I. The Pain

I am dead
I do not want to sing a song
I do not want to yell and scream
But if anyone bugs me, I will

Go away
leave me alone
You don't really care anyway.
I can tell

The few things that delight
Me right now
Take too much energy
Please don't make me think

I want to curl up in a fetal position
And sleep for a week
And then do nothing for two days
And then slowly work my way
back up to reality

Hopefully then I'll be alive
Hopefully then I'll know all the answers
Hopefully then I'll care.

I am oppressed by an overwhelming fatigue.
It hurts to think
My mind rebels at orders of any kind
I want to do what I want to do
I want to be myself.

Who am I?
I used to know
But now I'm not sure
I want to be on my own
But I don't have the means.
That depresses me.
I feel trapped.

Go away.
You're bugging me.
I don't want to listen to you.
I want to sleep.

Don't make me think.
Why are you making me think
This is stupid.
This is boring
This has no purpose that I can see.

Why does no one believe me?
Have fun
It's not worth it
Believe me —
I know.

Will I ever care again?
Will I ever have the excitement that comes
with understanding?
Will it ever matter again?

When will I be happy?
When will I be free?
When will anyone understand
what is happening to me?

When will I know?
or will I ever
I have gone on too long like this
I am confused.

If I do A, will I enjoy it?
Will I feel that it is worth
it in the end?
Will I be happy?

If I do B, will I ever get anywhere?
Will I be able to afford
what I want and
what I need?
Will I find the answers?
Will I find peace?

If money didn't matter
I know what I would do
I would take a year and travel
and experience life, too.

I would learn to hike the mountains.
I would learn to sail the sky.
I would practice at my painting
and I would camp out in the stars.

I would try my hand at farming
and I would try to see
what Amish folks find
fulfilling in the simple
life they lead.

I would read a lot about
constructing an eco-house
and I would live in step
with nature.
I would somehow find my niche.

Then I would devote my time
To doing what I saw fit.
To keeping up a tidy home
And helping others somehow, too.

But somehow even then, it seems
as if I'm missing something
It's the people
It's the college life
It's the uphill struggle

It's the pleasure of knowing
that I can do it on my own
That I have something others don't
That I can be an important part of
some business or corporation
That I can make a lot of money.

So surely I want to go to college
And get a big degree
And get a job I like a lot
But what could it be?

I do not want the rat race
or the pressure or the bother
I do want to enjoy my life
But will I find enjoyment in
learning?

Who am I?
Where am I in my life?
Why was I the one chosen
to go through all this strife?