Trilogy: 2. The Victory

[These are three writings from my senior year in high school. They are still so relevant in my life today, and I thought my readers would like to see them also.]


II. The Victory

Do you see the glory on my face?
Can you tell I'm free?
Have you noticed the rusted chains
That have fallen down from me!?

I am free! I am free!
My life as a senior
Which had grown its vines
of doubt and fear around me
Has finally been declared
a Glorious victory.

By blindly slashing the undergrowth
I have made it thus far,
But when I opened my eyes,
when the end was near
I became frightened by what I saw:
Thorny bushes and snaring moss
threatened to choke me;
Snakes slithering from far-off places
threatened to kill me.

I saw the light through the
closely-meshed branches:
The end was in sight.
But before the light loomed
the obstacles, and they began to haunt me.

I realized how exhausted I was.
How utterly and thoroughly tired I was.
Both body and soul cried out in pain.
I looked down — my blade was dull;
I looked behind me — I could no longer see
the trail I had blazed —
I only noticed a glimpse of wildflowers
That I had neglected on the way.
I looked around me — I was alone
And I cried out — for the missed beauty,
for the cuts and bruises now exhibited all over my soul,
for the jungle still ahead —
for the pain.

And I stopped
a weary traveler wanting some sleep
Wanting to drift on the tide
Instead of working any more.

But the thought of drifting on forever,
with nary a dream in sight,
exhausted me too, for I realized —
it takes energy to stay afloat.

And I sat there — the vines growing around
me like chains — tangling me farther
because of my hesitation and inaction.
Sometimes I would try to break free —
But my fatigued limbs were slow,
My sword dull, and I lost hope.
Many times I tried to break free;
Many times I thought I wouldn't care
If I just sat there,
But somehow I knew I could not do this.

Oh the pain! Oh the anguish!
If you only knew
The fire in my spirit was fighting its death.

Then I stopped,
tired of the struggle
I lay down and went to sleep.
I slept for a week,
ignoring the problems looming around and ahead of me.

I slept — fitfully at first,and then eased into a coma-like slumber
Dead to the world.

A sound awoke me —
A sound from my past.
Muted by time,
it was almost unheard.
But it awoke the very soul of my being
The part that said — "This is you,
This is your destiny"
And I knew I could be strong again.

And when I opened my eyes I saw
another way out — one that had
been there all along.
For, as I lay on the ground,
I was looking at the sky.

I laughed a little to myself,
as I unloaded my burdens
and set down my sword. I reached up
I took hold of an overhanging branch,
and I pulled myself up.

From here I could see the end!
From here I could say
I have not been beaten!
Sitting in that tree, I contemplated
for a while and realized
that balance is very important,
something I would have to learn
To survive this life.

I pulled up my sword, and found
it had been sharpened somewhat;
I smiled as I realized it had never been dull.

Right now, as I hack my way
through the obstacles in my way,
there are some I must step over.
I cannot concentrate wholly
on the vines,
for I have been picking a lot
more flowers lately.
And I am standing up straighter
now, too
so that the light shines on my face
and sparkles in my eyes.

I am still hacking away,
but I am at peace;
I am free!

Trilogy: 1. The Pain

[These are three writings from my senior year in high school. They are still so relevant in my life today, and I thought my readers would like to see them also.]



I. The Pain

I am dead
I do not want to sing a song
I do not want to yell and scream
But if anyone bugs me, I will

Go away
leave me alone
You don't really care anyway.
I can tell

The few things that delight
Me right now
Take too much energy
Please don't make me think

I want to curl up in a fetal position
And sleep for a week
And then do nothing for two days
And then slowly work my way
back up to reality

Hopefully then I'll be alive
Hopefully then I'll know all the answers
Hopefully then I'll care.

I am oppressed by an overwhelming fatigue.
It hurts to think
My mind rebels at orders of any kind
I want to do what I want to do
I want to be myself.

Who am I?
I used to know
But now I'm not sure
I want to be on my own
But I don't have the means.
That depresses me.
I feel trapped.

Go away.
You're bugging me.
I don't want to listen to you.
I want to sleep.

Don't make me think.
Why are you making me think
This is stupid.
This is boring
This has no purpose that I can see.

Why does no one believe me?
Have fun
It's not worth it
Believe me —
I know.

Will I ever care again?
Will I ever have the excitement that comes
with understanding?
Will it ever matter again?

When will I be happy?
When will I be free?
When will anyone understand
what is happening to me?

When will I know?
or will I ever
I have gone on too long like this
I am confused.

If I do A, will I enjoy it?
Will I feel that it is worth
it in the end?
Will I be happy?

If I do B, will I ever get anywhere?
Will I be able to afford
what I want and
what I need?
Will I find the answers?
Will I find peace?

If money didn't matter
I know what I would do
I would take a year and travel
and experience life, too.

I would learn to hike the mountains.
I would learn to sail the sky.
I would practice at my painting
and I would camp out in the stars.

I would try my hand at farming
and I would try to see
what Amish folks find
fulfilling in the simple
life they lead.

I would read a lot about
constructing an eco-house
and I would live in step
with nature.
I would somehow find my niche.

Then I would devote my time
To doing what I saw fit.
To keeping up a tidy home
And helping others somehow, too.

But somehow even then, it seems
as if I'm missing something
It's the people
It's the college life
It's the uphill struggle

It's the pleasure of knowing
that I can do it on my own
That I have something others don't
That I can be an important part of
some business or corporation
That I can make a lot of money.

So surely I want to go to college
And get a big degree
And get a job I like a lot
But what could it be?

I do not want the rat race
or the pressure or the bother
I do want to enjoy my life
But will I find enjoyment in
learning?

Who am I?
Where am I in my life?
Why was I the one chosen
to go through all this strife?

In this very moment

I sit on the porch steps, the early morning sun
bathing my face, bringing light, Vitamin D,
hope and levity to my spirit.
The cool air is sweet breath on my tired skin;
refreshing, calming, healing.
The crickets' and birds' dawn-breaking song mixes
with traffic in an early morning symphony.
Hope bubbles up inside; joy and gratitude to be
in this very moment with myself, the Universe.
I am alive; my spirit is free to soar
or to rest as the need arises.
Today I will smile, I will cry in equal measure,
and each time the brightness in my eye will be Love.

On the trail of the Goddess

Deep peace I breathe into you,
O weariness, here:
O ache, here!

I've been absent quite a while here, as my readers have been reminding me. The simple and true answer is that I've been off enjoying my life, very thoroughly. What was I doing last year? Choosing the path that led me here. Walking a winding path, one which I could only see one step ahead--sometimes even less, it seemed. I danced in joyful fields of wildflowers where the sun and the breeze played with my hair and where the air was alive with bees and butterflies. I lingered in wild patches of strawberries, savoring the fruit to my heart's content while the heady scent of honeysuckle encircled me like a crown. At times, I lay beside gently moving streams, with my feet in the cool water and my head on a blanket of moss, and fell asleep dreaming of distant places. Often, though, I painstakingly stumbled and scratched my way through the thickets and ancient woods under a new moon--blind, stumbling, and unfamiliar with the calls of the night. Sometimes the canopy was so thick that it seemed as night even long after Selene had ceded to her brother Helios' diurnal course.

And now I am here. It's just a pause on the journey, to rest up for the next uphill climb. There is beauty all around me, there is joy in work and service, there is companionship and laughter. There is enthusiasm to the point of over-commitment. Then there is withdrawal while I catch my breath. Within the peace, I can still feel the tremors under the surface. I know it will not wait long. It has waited long enough.

Yet I am unsure where to tread--both paths ahead promise deep joy and deep pain. Both involve gut-wrenching sacrifice. And I am the only one who can choose which way is right for me--which life-long pain I am willing to endure? More importantly-- which joy am I willing to risk everything else to have in my life? You see, I want children. My husband does not. It has taken me a very long time to say what I want. Both of us, for that matter.

I am not planning to go into his reasons here. Suffice it to say that it is clear this was very difficult and looking into his eyes I see he is speaking his truth as it is right now. The general advice I hear so often cannot be applied so glibly here:"he just needs time," "every father is scared before they have children, "he shouldn't worry, he'd make a great father," "he just needs to get over his fears," "it's always different when it's your own child." The time for waiting has passed, and these pieces of advice all come with the assumption that he will change his mind; that he's just confused about what he wants. Relationship rule #1: Never count on changing the other person. While there is certainly a possibility, in any situation, that a person can examine the root of their fears or ideas, and change their paradigm, this does not mean it can be forced or that the result will be an expected one. The onus is on me to decide what I want to do with this information.

I have not been able to go far down the path in my mind--my emotions run over me like the swell of a tsunami and threaten to drown me. Every time I think of something new that I love now, that I think I would love, that I would miss, that I would miss out on, that I would grieve for, possibly for the rest of my life--I quickly withdraw. I have no concept of how to deal with this. How does one choose between the man they love, and the possibility of being a mother to a precious child? Especially when there is no guarantee I will find what I want if I pursue the latter avenue.

I have talked to many of my trusted friends. They each speak to me from their own experience. Some have been in my place and have made a choice. And when I hear them, I feel alternately empowered and guilty. I hear compassion and yet I also I hear their regret and sometimes I almost hear judgment. Even when they don't mean it that way, hearing how they approach relationships and what they think they would do, sometimes it makes me feel bad for even considering a different choice. What will they think of me? What will I think of me? How will I live with myself; with my regrets? With my anger, with my sadness, my grief? But I must not focus on my fears, for they will hold me back. I must find where my greater truth lies. But I'm still drawing blanks here. Am I betraying my own core values by considering leaving in order to find someone willing to raise a family with me? Am I only half of a woman if I choose not to experience the ups and downs of pregnancy, birth, and raising a child? Will anyone remember me if I am never a grandmother?

Through the ages, the Goddess has been portrayed in three personae representing different stages of a woman's life: the maiden, the mother, and the wise crone. I am on her trail and now I long to experience the fullness of the middle phase of my life. I long to walk hand-in-hand with my husband 'til death do us part.' And I long to have a small hand holding mine on the other side, skipping merrily along. Oh, dear crone, help me. Help me through this darkness. I cannot do this alone.

Deep peace I breathe into you,

O weariness, here:
O ache, here!
Deep peace, a soft white dove to You;
Deep peace, a quiet rain to you;
Deep peace, an ebbing wave to you!
Deep peace, red wind of the east from you;
Deep peace, grey wind of the west to You;
Deep peace, dark wind of the north from you;
Deep peace, blue wind of the south to you!
Deep peace, pure red of the flame to you;
Deep peace, pure white of the moon to you;
Deep peace, pure green of the grass to you;
Deep peace, pure brown of the earth to you;
Deep peace, pure grey of the dew to you,
Deep peace, pure blue of the sky to you!

Deep peace of the running wave to you,

Deep peace of the flowing air to you,

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you,

Deep peace of the sleeping stones to you!

Deep peace of the Yellow Shepherd to you,

Deep peace of the Wandering Shepherdess to you,

Deep peace of the Flock of Stars to you,

Deep peace from the Son of Peace to you,

Deep peace from the heart of Mary to you,

And from Briget of the Mantle

Deep peace, deep peace!

And with the kindness too of the Haughty Father Peace!

In the name of the Three who are One, Peace!

And by the will of the King of the Elements, Peace! Peace!

the dominion of dreams : under a dark star - fiona macleod - 1895