Courage

cour·age [kur-ij, kuhr-]
–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete . the heart as the source of emotion.
—Idiom
3. have the courage of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

Origin:
1250–1300; Middle English corage; Old French, equivalent to cuer, heart (> Latin cor) + -age

—Synonyms
1. fearlessness, dauntlessness, intrepidity, pluck, spirit. Courage, bravery, valor, bravado refer to qualities of spirit and conduct.

Today I congratulated some young people on being presented with an award. I met three of them once, and I made the comment to them today that I hoped someday I'd have the courage in doing my life's work as they have shown in doing theirs. Sometimes when I see young (younger) people doing so much, it feels as if I've missed out on my own life. After all, shouldn't we all be doing wonderful, brave things as they are? Shouldn't I have been knee or waist-deep in my passion 10 years ago, instead of toe-deep now, entering the middle phase of my life?

Yet I know, comparing myself to others is a "sin" against myself and the work my Spirit is doing inside. I can actually hear my therapist admonishing me for doing this and reminding me of all the ways I have shown courage in my life. The courage to leave my marriage and life of a decade and dare to seek my heart's desires. The courage to leave a high salary in search for more meaningful work, health, and happiness. The courage to shed a toxic dogma in order to continue in my faith journey. The courage to love again and be vulnerable. The courage to ask for what I need and want in a relationship, and not compromise. The courage to learn to stand up for myself in uncomfortable situations. The courage to look inside myself and learn new ways of being, to heal long neglected parts of myself, to change. The courage, sometimes, simply to take care of myself. The courage to dream, dream of my life's work, and look at ways, small steps to further that dream.

Certainly the past few years have been some of the most challenging of my life, and yet, each difficulty faced has led me to decisions that called upon my inner courage. And when I finally was able to summon up that courage, each path has enriched my being, created anew a more authentic Me, and brought more happiness to my life with the promise of more to come.

I love how the word "courage" has "heart" literally at its entymological root. And that 2nd obselete definition makes me smile: "the heart as the seat of emotion." That seems about right to me. Courage comes from the heart, and not our head. And often it takes a lot of courage to act out of what we feel in the heart. I am finding that perhaps the hardest, most courageous thing of all, is simply examining our deepest emotions to learn the truth of what is there. Whether we like what we see or not, it can be life-changing, and that is a scary thing.

I have been on this heart journey for a long time. And I will continue on it. Continue, even in a more conscious and intentional way, examining my emotions to better know and heal myself. And as for my dreams, well, I have faith that my courage, my heart, will take me through the next door. Big things are ahead!

Pain as a teacher

Last night, I had a bout of heartburn, and even after taking medicine, I was in pain for over an hour. I finally went to bed, propped up by many pillows, intending to go to sleep as I knew eventually I would despite the pain, and later wake up without it.

I recollected how I had a flare-up of heartburn episodes last year not long after I moved out of my old house. At that time I had felt moved to focus on my solar plexus chakra and what it symbolized: personal power and individuality. I thought perhaps that I need to pay attention to that again with this heartburn. After all, heartburn pain is literally right at the solar plexus, a tight ball of burning pain in the center of self. And last night I thought, then instinctively said out loud, “Pain, you need to get out of my body and into my mind so that I can know what I need to deal with.” The physical pain in my lower esophagus immediately went away. I was very grateful but did not have an immediate epiphany or thought of anything at that time. It was this afternoon, talking with a friend, that I realized that the pain had done exactly what I asked: gone into my head to show me where I need to work.

Today is the start of my three-day weekend. I love that I get three work holidays within the space of a month: the Christmas, New Year’s, and Martin Luther King Jr. holidays, and this year it translated into three 3-day weekends. However, I have been a bit nervous that I would ‘waste’ my time off like so often I feel I do. I need to rest, so I rest, and then I feel guilty about it later. I have a long list of things to do that compete for my attention, and feeling overwhelmed, I procrastinate and feel guilty about that too. I’ll get some of it done, and say to myself “but I didn’t get that done.” It’s a damned “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” mentality. So that is how my weekend started: first with a girl’s night—which was great but perhaps in the back of my mind I was feeling guilty about not getting something on my list done, an episode of heartburn, and this morning the overwhelmed-ness and not knowing where to throw my energy first.

And, I realized, these feelings of guilt have been with me a very long time. They stem from low self-worth issues which I have long worked on. Somewhere along the line I made an agreement that my worth is tied up with what I do or don’t do and that has been reinforced in my life. And I have reinforced it with my inner conversations. It is time to change my thinking. I have dreams, yes, and I need to work towards them, yes, but whether or not I accomplish any part of them does not make me any less wonderful. “Give yourself a break,” is something I have repeatedly heard over the past few years from my friends, my therapist, and my own inner guidance. And why have I been hearing that, over and over for a few years? Evidently I still don’t believe that I deserve a break. I am still too hard on myself. I am still seeking that balance between doing and being; that place of enjoying each moment, every moment. Without the guilt, thank you very much.

So thank you, pain, for revealing where I am out of sync with Truth.

Knowing

"Faith" is a much-maligned word these days. It has different meanings to different people, depending on what has been taught to you--what agreement you have made that it signifies. Even during different times in our lives, the word can have either a positive or a negative connotation.
Today at lunch I saw the following country kitsch sign on the wall:

Worry ends where faith begins.

It got me thinking. In my experience, the word "faith" conjures up an action verb feeling--you have to 'have faith' or 'summon up faith'; in other words it's not always something that comes easily. It can sometimes be work to have faith.

True faith is a knowing. You know from experience, you know from your gut. You know the truth. It's not a superstition or even a strong hope. And you only need a small mustard-seed sized amount of knowing for the truth to work for you.

A child knows that a light goes on when the turn the switch. They don't have to be an electrician. They don't have to understand currents. They don't have to see the wires installed in the walls. They have a tiny amount of knowing, but it is enough to act upon, and the world responds appropriately, by natural law. If one day, the light does not go on when the child turns the switch, it is not because their knowing is wrong. It is because there is something interrupting the flow of current--the flow from Source. Their parent, who has a bit more knowledge on the subject, would know to check the light bulb or the circuit breaker. Most of the time, that will do the trick, and the connection is restored. If not, they would call an electrician, who would diagnose and fix the problem. Electricians have even more knowledge; they are the Masters of their field.

In our lives, all we need is a tiny amount of "knowing" to access the spiritual realm and the universal laws. Sometimes flipping the switch doesn't work, so we have to take a look and see what is interruping the current. We need to each remember, that inside of us lives our master electrician, and by going inside we can gain the insight we need to reconnect to Source. The more we go inside ourselves for help, the more we will learn to trust the knowing that resides there. It will become part of our concscious experience. Others outside of ourselves can help us and point the way, but always the journey will be inward for us to become our own Masters.

A little bit of knowing is all we need to have "faith."

Worry ends where knowing begins.

Knots

It's 4:30 in the morning. I've been waking up and not sleeping much tonight, and I got the urge to get up and start straightening. For more than one reason, I think it's about freakin' time I get my things unpacked and organized so I can find and enjoy what I have, and get rid of the excess baggage that I've been carrying around...and walking around...and bumping into...and basically been avoiding. I hope I'm not waking up my roommate.

I was fairly agitated when I got up a few hours ago. And now I realize that there is more than just one contributing factor to my feelings. The first thing I went after in my fervor was my jewelry. I tend to plunk it on the nearest dresser when I take it off. And when I see it, all this beautiful jumbled jewelry gleams up at me--begging me to put it away carefully, begging me to appreciate it enough to do that each day. So I turn away in self judgement. "Why can't I keep my things straight?"

I just finished reading Gretchin Rubin's The Happiness Project. It was a delightful journey with her as she tries various resolutions to be happier. Her honesty is refreshing, her initiative inspiring. One thing I liked best is she worked on changing herself, her actions and attitudes, instead of changing the whole structure of her life. Intuitively she knew that she simply needed to examine her outlook and reactions; that she was not enjoying or appreciating enough the good life she already has. Her resolutions, whether successful or not, brought much mindfulness into her life, and this in turn allowed her to choose a happier, more peaceful way. She stepped into a life of awareness and gratitude.

"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~Socrates

The unsettled state of my things, much still in boxes, is a reflection of my state of mind. Although happy, I still have things I need to unwrap and examine, purge, and let go. I have loose ends that I need to tie up. I'm not sure why I've put it off. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed at times and that doesn't help. But, I find out so often, that some things are much easier when you dive into them than you think they will be. The build-up in my mind is often out of perspective. However, there is something to be said for the emotional side. When we put off life issues, often there is an emotion behind it that needs to be brought into the light.

My last task in organizing my jewelry was to untangle a few chains. Untangling necklaces is almost a mysterious process. You pull it apart, often not really knowing how to go about it. You're simply hoping it will come untangled at some point, you just need enough patience. As I went along, I realized there were too many ends to be just two chains. I was working with three. It seemed to take forever, but the task was fairly meditative and brought my mind to a calmer state. And so it is with our emotions. As we untangle our feelings driving (or stalling) us, sometimes we are surprised at what is there. But some patience, applied diligently over time, gets the job done; gets us through to a place of functionality and beauty again. Compassion for ourselves allows us to untie the knots and then tie up the loose ends.