de·pres·sion \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\ 2b (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies
suck \ˈsək\ 4 slang : to be objectionable or inadequate
Depression sucks. Need I say more? I suppose now that I've opened this Pandora's box, I might as well jump right in and own it. I wasn't sure I was going to, here on this blog, because it's not something people like to hear about. It's not something everyone even understands. Yes, I have met people who have little to no experience with depression. It's nice to know that they are out there, not being depressed. Thankfully, the ones I'm thinking of are close friends of mine and are helpful in engaging me in life when I'm down. But it's also real nice to have those friends who are or have been where I'm at. And thank God my husband does understand.
Depression runs in my family. It runs in my husband's family. Generally, we have cycled through our own mild ups and downs in a fairly symbiotic manner...when I was down, he was able to help me, and visa versa. And even then we discussed the idea of seeing a counselor. But now we're both on a more serious down cycle at the same time, so we're finally seeking help. It has been a very tough year for us--those of you who are close know what I'm talking about. And if you don't know, feel free to ask. All of it has had a deeper toll on us than we realized.
Earlier in the week I updated my Facebook status to "...thinks life sucks." [Depression and PMS together really suck!] A few friends called me out on it, expressing concern and asking what was up. I was very grateful to have friends who would do that. I was able, later, to change my status to "... needs to offer herself the same grace she extends to others." And again, it was nice to hear from others who understood what I meant.
I never know how to answer the inevitable "How are you doing?"--the standard greeting between friends and acquaintances. Even without the depression, one often wonders how much detail to get into. Everyone has good days, bad days, and mundane-blah days. Now, though, answering that question with an "okay" could mean "I've had a pretty good day considering, and I'm feeling alright in the present moment" or "I've had a really bad day but it seems like poor etiquette to bring everyone else down." It's even hard right now to ask for what I need--even to simply call my close friends. I just don't want to bother anyone.
Therapy starts during the next few weeks for both of us. I am planning a retreat for myself--Friday I'm leaving and will return in 12 days. It's time to recharge my batteries, meditate, and lose myself in nature and in surroundings that are removed from my normal responsibilities and routine. I am going to attempt to abstain from the computer, TV, and phone calls (except for checking in with hubby) during that time. Although I'm playing with the idea of a daily blog update, for those of you back home. We'll see.
Today started out okay, then got a little worse as the day dragged on. I finally called a friend and went over to her house. We painted for a while (yes, I painted!). Then I tried on a bunch of her dresses to borrow some for my trip. I had my own little fashion show for her, her kids, and my hubby. Then we had dinner together and watched a few episodes of "Friends." When we got home, we walked a bit with our neighbor. All in all, a good evening.
6 comments:
Do whatever it is you need to do to get this under control for you; I waited almost too long to get counseling and now I could kick myself because, even though it's hard work, it's been so good for me. Don't know where I'd be today without it.
And please keep writing; some of us have no problem writing about the rawness of our lives (yeah, that's me) and others need the privacy, but you'd be amazed at how much you are able to transfer to the Universe just by putting it out there. Your own perspective changes, you get amazing support and advice, it's just unbelievable the gifts you get in return for your words.
I've been down that depression road and still travel it from time to time; my knowledge "map" makes it much easier to navigate and I learn that it is okay to take the time needed to recharge. Sometimes that's all that depression is; a way to turn inward and check things out from a different place.
Sorry to ramble on so much; you can tell this is a subject dear to my heart. Hang in there and "just keep swimming." Peace.
Sis, you are a really great writer. And I am glad you are working to get out of your funk. In my experience everything seems worse than it really is, you're just trapped temporarily in your mind. I hope the change of pace helps you. So will the therapy.
You're taking care and that's such a good step. So yeah, take care...go through the motions until you can see the light again. It's there, you're just blind to it right now. Damn mind.
Ditto to that. It's so difficult to pull yourself out of melancholy. Sometimes it even hurts to think about doing something about it. But there your are, doing something about it. Awesome.
I love you, and hope you have a joyful and peaceful and exactly-what-you-need-whatever-that-is time. :-) I am so glad you're my friend.
Lara
I can relate too; I have an ongoing struggle with depression myself. I applaud you and H.S. for being brave enough to seek help and for realizing there's nothing wrong in doing so. I adore H.S. and I've enjoyed getting to know you as well, so I will send good thoughts to both of you. I hope your trip is all that you intend it will be!
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